Today is day one, of my one thousand single days.
I feel so excited by this that I want to write that same comment over and over again. Today is day one….. today is day one….today is day one.
What do I mean by one thousand single days? I mean, one thousand days of being single. And by single I mean single in every sense of the word. No men, no dating, no love, no valentines day, no sex. Nothing. Alone.
I want to be alone for one thousand days. And today is day one.
While this decision has admittedly come as the dust is settling from the train wreck conclusion of what was my last relationship, this is not entirely a knee-jerk reaction to it either.
Those who know me well know that the story and conclusion of that relationship took me through every extreme human emotion possible and left me as a tangled heap on the floor of my life and the memories of me as a sobbing, spineless and damaged pathetic mess I suppose have had some influence in the making of this decision. But not entirely.
This is an experiment.
The first relationship I ever had was with Michael who was my neighbour in New Zealand when I was 6 years old. We used to kiss on his trampoline and then go eat his dogs doggie biscuits when his mum wasn’t looking.
It was a beautiful thing.
We were young back then you know, naïve to the ways of the world. I believed I would be with him forever on that same trampoline, eating those same doggy biscuits until we were old and grey.
But it fell apart.
We wanted different things; I guess we were just too different. Plus I got sick of the dog biscuits.
That was 21 years ago. Since then, there have been loves and losses and crushes and kisses and boys who have asked me ‘if I would go steady with them’ and then boys who felt it would be better ‘if we were just friends’ then men who proposed and then the man I married, then the man I divorced, then the man who broke my heart and it has been 21 years of relentless love stories and love tragedies and so this is the question I want to answer:
What would happen, if for one thousand days, I stopped it all?
What would happen, if for one thousand days, I hit pause on love?
This isn’t simply a vow of abstinence; this is far, far more than that. I want to observe what direction my life would take if I suddenly hit the off switch to love.
My hypothesis is this: That if I should completely forget the world of dating, love and everything and anything else in between, then I would be able to rest.
And that is the point. I need a rest. I need a break because I have done some hard time. At 27 years old, I have a broken marriage and a one other very long and painful relationship behind me.
I figure that rather than hoping for a holiday from it all, that I would create one.
And this is what this experiment is all about: Deciding that for one time in my life, I am going to separate myself from that whole dirty, crazy, hectic love thing, and then observe what happens to me during that time.
I was born 10,175 days ago. If I live until I am say… 90, then I will be alive for another 23, 010 days. Give or take a few.
I decided this morning, that 1000 of those remaining days, I want for myself.
Is that okay? To want 1000 days just for me?
To decide something like this is different to having this scenario inflicted upon you by sheer bad luck.
Going 1000 days as a single person isn’t that hard if you just simply cannot get a date, but that isn’t what all of this is all about. This is a choice. Until March 14, 2015, I am choosing to be alone. And what I choose to do with that time, I think, will define me later on.
What is the point of choosing to abstain from something if you don’t then fill that void with something new?
So with this time I have, these 1000 days, I intend to fix………me. I definitely have issues. Honestly? I have Daddy issues. Big time.
I have self esteem issues. I can be pig headed. I think I am always right. I am as stubborn. I hate asking for help and…I make a jealous girlfriend.
Ok, so what? So I said it! Do you even know how many people just read that who have the same problems? The point is, I plan on acknowledging them, saying them out loud, and then fixing them. I have 1000 days to do so. Seems like ample time.
Another epiphany that led to this decision: Everyone, regardless of age, gender or race has an ideal.
The ideal of a partner. You know how it goes: ‘I want a man/woman who is good looking, at least a 7/10, educated, funny, rich and romantic’ Fill in any spaces you want, or however your particular ideal goes, it may be different or it may be the same but ask yourself this: If you were to meet this magical person, this person who is your ideal…. If you were to meet them in real life… would YOU be the kind of person they would want?
Fair enough to expect certain strengths from another person, but do you have the same strengths? Do you have strengths that a person like that is searching for? I’ve been asking myself this question lately.
I don’t now, nor have I ever, felt that love has been a necessary ingredient in living a good life. I’m sure it sweetens the journey somewhat, but I have never once believed that love is the meaning of life, or anything close for that matter. So, if I were to be in love, it would have to be really, really worth it. It would have to be with someone… extraordinary.
But as I think about it, someone extraordinary, would probably be searching for someone extraordinary too…. Right? Am I her? ……Not at the moment.
Which is another thing. If I am brash enough or confident enough to demand a certain type of person to one day love, then it is only right that I work on who I am to create something beautiful within myself that would appeal to the kind of person I envision spending the rest of my life with.
I want to spend the next one thousand days making a point of developing myself and my skills and learning new things and ticking off all those things on my ‘to do’ list. Its going to be a long 1000 days. I know, and today is only day 1 afterall. But I need this. I need some time to call my own.
And if prince charming comes along my path any time in the next 999 days threatening to sweep me off my feet, then tough shit, I said 1000 days and I mean 1000 days and I feel deep in me that somehow, these next few years are really going to define who I am.