Lost and found Pt 2

August 27, 2012 — 56 Comments

Most dreams are forgotten somewhere in those few hours after we wake up, but then there are those dreams which you can still remember years later.

I have dreams that I dreamed as early as 5 years old which I can still remember, but the memory of a dream is different to the memory of something that really happened in your waking world. With the memory of a dream, there are parts that you remember with crystal clarity, and then other parts that are scattered and foggy.

Dream recall can often seem like watching a movie in which odd parts have been edited out, so you may find yourself in a field in one moment, and then all of a sudden you are in that house you used to live in when you were 10 years old and there is no bridge in your memory to connect  the field to that house. It chops and changes and sometimes makes no sense at all…

I spent 5 days in Perth and the memory of it is not like that of a real life event, but rather, I remember it as one remembers a dream.
There are parts which I remember with such perfect accuracy that if I close my eyes I can feel the breeze on my face again, or smell the cooking of that meal again or feel his fingers weave into mine again.
I can see Ben Merito perched on that stool with the guitar in his hands and that beautiful voice passing by his lips on that Thursday night at the Paddington Ale House, and James is sitting beside me, our legs are touching…he is wearing light blue jeans…he is smiling…I am drinking lemonade and the girl who served me has added a slice of lemon and it keeps touching my lips while I drink…I am meeting James’s friends, one, a girl who is a hairdresser and has to work in the morning, the other a woman with curly hair who is sleeping with his room mate….

Ben Merito – Paddington Ale House

I remember the day James took me into the city and held my hand while he showed me around Perth. There were cobbled streets and big, old churches with grand steeples and the I could feel my back burning in the hot sun because I had no sunscreen on. We find a candy store where we buy rocky road and a candy necklace and a candy watch, which I refuse to eat and took home as a sweet souvenir and kept for weeks until the candy melted one hot summers day and got all over the things in my drawer.

My candy memories…

There was the moment where we were relaxing at his place and triple J radio is playing and a man is singing about missing his girl. ‘Ohhhhh Ohhhhh, i’ve been missing you all these months. Ohhhhh, ohhhhh’ and James is walking from the kitchen to where I am on the couch and he turns to the radio and says ‘Months? Try 9 years mannnn!’ And this makes me smile a lot, even though its a sad thing.

Other parts are foggy. If I close my eyes I can’t feel the moments anymore. Did that conversation happen at the beach that day?
No, it was in the car after dinner… was it?
The time I cried to him, was it the first night we spent together? Or was it the night before I flew away again?

The bridge between one clear memory and the next is wearing with time and so as I tell the rest of this story, it may seem broken, but this is only because my memory is broken and I dare not write a single letter of this story which I am not sure of. And so, with that, the rest of this story begins…

We get back to his house which he shares with another kiwi who wears a mustache and if you didn’t know his name and you had to guess, you would say he looked like a ‘Hamish’ and you would think that perhaps he is a caretaker, or that he likes plants. James introduces me to his chickens and shows me the spider which lives in the kitchen and has a name. I notice that he has taken my luggage out of the car and bought it inside, so I go and put it back in the car again. After looking around outside, I come in to see my luggage sitting right back in the living room again. I guess i’m staying then. There was no mention of the 9 years we had lost, we were just content on being found and with that we fell back into step with one another and it was as if there were no years lost at all, but that we had been together the whole time. I say I am tired and he points me to his room and sleep finds me within seconds and then everything is black.

Something moves beside me. Something brushes against my little finger. Something steals me from sleep and then I am awake.

He is beside me and the only part of him touching me is the outside of his little finger which is resting against the outside of my little finger and I cant open my eyes, I suddenly can’t breathe. Don’t move.

2 years after I had left him behind in Nelson that day, I had begun having these strange dreams. They only came once or twice a year but it was always the same dream and I know it off by heart. I am walking along a road and it is either the very end of the day, or the very beginning because the light is soft and the colour of apple juice and I can hear the gravel crunching under my feet as I take a step, and then another and then another. Even now as I am writing I can hear it, those small rocks moving under the soles of my shoes….
Suddenly I am aware that someone is walking beside me and I don’t have to turn my head, I know its him. We walk and walk until we reach a small hill covered in green grass and overshadowed by a large tree, the leaves of which hang down like a curtain.
That is where we sit, in the cool of the shade and nothing is said. Not for a long time.
We both stare straight ahead and I don’t know what is going on in his mind, but for me I know I feel at peace because he is there. I am breathing again, I am happy….I am safe.

Finally he speaks “Are you okay Vanessa?” And I say “I’ll be okay James. I’ll be Okay”
And then I wake up.

My bottom lip begins to tremble. Do you have a blunt knife? Because you could cut the tension in the air with it. His finger. My finger. Shhhhhh

Without thinking about it or making any informed choice about it, I open my eyes, turn, and throw my arms around his body and rest my head on his chest. Home sweet home.

This is where it gets foggy. I know we lay there for a few hours. I know that at one point the flatmate with the mustache  popped his head in the door and said hello, and then there is more blur until the crystal clear comes back and he is lying on my stomach and the silence is broken with a question.

Vanessa, why did your marriage fall apart?

“Oh James.”
I had to think about this.
Only a handful of people in my life know why the marriage actually fell apart and I have never spoken of it publicly.
It is my little secret.
But I decided to just be honest with him, and in this moment I choose to be honest with you too.
Deep breaths Vanessa…
It didn’t fall apart because we just couldn’t make it work. It wasn’t because our business fell apart after his accident. It wasn’t because we were too young when we married…..

“It was an abusive marriage James…It was abusive”

This is the part I remember clearly, because it hurts.
It hurt then, and it still hurts now, because it hurt him. 
He responds to what I have just said by closing he eyes and sort of…growling.
I feel ashamed.
How can I look him in the eye knowing that I chose not to return to him after the surgery, after I chose not to return after my recovery?
James, who had never made me cry, who had only ever been kind, who made me smile every day.
But I didn’t return to him because I had met Anthony, who gave me his last name in exchange for 8 years of my life and two sons, but who had used those years to crush me and break me. I hid what I was enduring behind those closed doors from everyone… even my closest friends. No one knew.
After he growls he clenches his fists and rearranges his face in such an anger and frustration and fury, and then grabs me, put his head into my chest and cries.

Nothing more is said for the longest time. Finally, he looks up and tells me that he has thought about me me every single day for nine years and I tell him I have too, and then I tell him about those damn dreams…

You see, I would have those dreams when things got really bad, you know, behind those closed doors with that scary person who no one knew existed.
Things were bad a lot… more often than not… but when things got really scary and I would submit to sleep only after weighing up whether to take those 30 pills with that liter of spirits in the hope of an escape, that was when I would have those dreams. Always the same dream. Always that same hill. Always that same question. “Are you okay Vanessa?” 

“I’ll be Okay James…..I’ll be okay”

Then the fog comes back. My memory is failing even more now.
There is a dinner that was had, I remember that.
James, his flatmate with the mustache, and myself. We all get dressed up and go out to this place they swear by, and the food was perfect and I took too many free mints from the bowl by the cash register before we leave…

I then remember that I am actually in Perth because I have won a competition, and I need to be on an island the next day to let The living end and Gyroscope rock my heart and rock my soul while I dig my feet deep in the sand and drink freely from the open bar only afforded to the musicians themselves, and Cat and I.
Oh yes. Cat. I haven’t told you about her…

The prize was not just for one all expenses paid trip to watch rock and roll on an island in Western Australia…. but for two. And so I sat back and thought ‘I need to take someone who I am going to have a heck-load of fun with, so who is the craziest, most insane person I know?…..”
….Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Cat.

I knew that if I took Cat to W.A, that I would have one hell of a time, and I wasn’t wrong.
James and I pick her up from the airport and before we know it we are on that boat headed for Rottnest Island.

When Cat and I arrived on Rottnest it was like we had arrived in a tropical Paradise.

The stage was meters from the shoreline. We had unlimited access to an open bar.
We chose to set up camp on the waters edge and just party knee deep.
Fantastic day.

Me, relaxing several meters from the stage while Gyroscope did great things to my eardrums.

Me with the film crew who interviewed us and kept on our tail during the day

Chris Cheney, the lead singer and guitarist of The living end

Scott Owen of The Living End, owning his Double Bass.

There were no clouds in the sky. Not even one. The temperature was that high that even the wind that blew in off the sea had a warmth to it.
We stepped off the boat and before we could even take in the beauty of this paradise we had cameras pointing in our face and questions being thrown toward us and so Cat and I talked about the dancing in the sand we planned on doing and the chaos in the crowd we planned on enduring and then excused ourselves and headed toward the bar where we stocked up on ‘refreshments’ and enjoyed them while exploring the sand with our toes.

As the sun began to lose her strength and the nighttime took his turn, the empty waters surrounding this lost island began to fill.
I recall that Cat and I were lying on towels near the high tide mark enjoying the sounds of the rock and roll bouncing off the sun and the blue and the water and the sand. But then the boats came.
Not one, or two, or three or four. But many.
Waves suddenly began crashing upon the shoreline and it was the noise of the breaking of the waves that caused Cat and I to open our eyes and look out to sea and see them coming. So many boats.

Before long the clear, shallow waters were occupied with small boats, big boats, white boats, tin boats. All from the mainland. All carrying people who just wanted to party. And party they did. Dancing on the boats, dancing in the water, dancing to the music that was being played only meters from them. It looked like the scene from a music video.
We afforded more time to the camera crew, before fetching more alcohol and spending some time with The Living End backstage. Cat and I had no questions for the band members, we just shared some drinks, cracked some jokes and told them to have a great time on stage and we left them to it. My next memory is of Cat and I pushing our way to the very front of the stage where we, for lack of any other words, went totally insane.
The event organisers would later tell us that one minute we were standing before them in an interview, and the next we were missing, then one of them spots us on the shoulders of somebody or another, being thrown about and cheering so loud that our voices travelled across the whole crowd to backstage where they were watching on.
Yes, Cat was the right person to bring to W.A.

I don’t know how we didn’t notice the music stop, or the band pack up, and I don’t know how it got by us that alllll the people on the island suddenly disappeared, but at one point late in the evening, Cat and I are both standing on the deserted beach and she puts her hands on her hips and says ‘You know what….?’ and I say ‘What?’ And she says ‘All the people are gone’ And I say ‘Yeah’ and the says ‘You know what?’ and I say ‘What?’ and she says ‘I think we’ve missed the boat’
When Cat suggested we just swim back, I knew we were probably both very, very drunk and that if I didn’t come up with a plan B, then Cat would probably be quite happy to stick with plan A: Swim
Plan B came in the form of Scott Owen (Double Bassist of The Living End) who found us wandering around like lost lambs and invited us to join him and the band on their boat back to the mainland. Yes thanks Scott, that would be just peachy.

The memory of the next 2 hours involves a 25 minute boat ride with a famous rock band, a long walk through the city of Perth where Cat rides a red, plastic dog and then gets told off by the police for dancing down the middle of the street. We are then deciding we are lost and don’t know where to find our hotel, and then we are somehow in the hotel room and then blackness and my next memory is being woken up by a headache which was trying to bludgeon me to death.

The hangover wasn’t the worst thing that the bright, Sunday morning delivered to me however. No, the worst thing was the realisation that I had less than 24 hours left in Perth, and I didn’t know what to do about James…
I try to dodge the issue all morning, but when I opened a door it is waiting for me ‘What are you going to do about James Vanessa?’ when I shut the door and turned around it was standing there too. ‘What are you going to do about James Vanessa?’ At breakfast it is there again, peering over my shoulder as I eat ‘What are you going to do about James Vanessa?’ 
By the time Cat and I pack up our belongings, check out of our hotel, catch our bus which takes us to our train I am going so crazy from that damn question that just wouldn’t let up that I grab my phone and send him a message telling him that I can’t see him again. ‘I leave tomorrow morning’ I tell him ‘Lets not make this any harder than it has to be and just let this go now’

He doesn’t reply.

Later that day, as the sun is beginning to fall from the sky, he writes to me. He asks me out to dinner, tells me he knows of this place in the city that he wants to take me to and would I please just give us one more night. ‘Please Vanessa, Please’ And my heart changes its mind and I tell him I will go and he tells me he will pick me up soon. I fly through the house looking for something beautiful to wear. We find a black chiffon cocktail dress which I wear with black heels. I throw the curling iron through my hair, and makeup on my face and its when I am trying to put my mascara on that I realise my hands are trembling. What would you do if you knew you only had one more night with the one person you can’t forget…..

I suppose it was dawning on me that sand in the hourglass only flows one way and it was all about to run out…

I hear a knock at the door and someone opens it and he is there. I haven’t finished putting my makeup on and so I tell him i’m nearly done and he waits outside. Long after I returned to the Gold Coast my friend would tell me that when I stepped out the door and walked down the steps that he beamed. ‘He looked like the proudest man in the world when he saw you’
Knowing that this was one of the last drives we would ever take together he makes it fun for me and drifts around the corners to make me squeal. Thinking back now, I suppose this means I owe him $2….

The restaurant is Japanese. I love Japanese. James orders nearly everything on the menu and before long our table is so crowded by dishes of beautiful looking food that we barely have room for our plates. We discuss the food and how I still can’t use chopsticks and i’m hoping to get through the whole night without having to discuss the fact that this won’t ever happen again because i’m leaving him in the morning.
But James foils my plans.
James very rarely speaks in a serious manner. He is always smiling, and his conversation is always cheerful and bright, but he will sidestep a serious matter for as long as he can, so when his smile disappeared and he looked straight at me and asked me what was going to happen after I left, I was taken by surprise.
‘When I leave it will be over James.’
‘It doesn’t have to be over’
‘We live thousands of miles apart, and I am about to start a 3 year Degree and I have 2 young children.’
‘I think we can make it work’

And thats how the conversation goes. Me trying to point out all the things that will make being together impossible, and him telling me we can get around it, that we can fix it, that we will figure it out, but that I can’t just leave and end it all… not again.

After our date we go back to his house and watch a movie. He stretches out on the couch and I lie down with my head on his chest and its so warm. The movie is a good one, though I can’t remember the name. With a few minutes of the movie left to go, something breaks inside me. Was it a scene in the movie that set me off? I don’t know, but without any warning at all I suddenly sit up, curl up into a ball and just burst into tears. I can’t stop, my whole chest is heaving in and out and i’m shaking. James grabs me, puts his arms around me and just holds me and lets me cry. After my tears have run out, he picks me up and takes me to his room and lies me down on his bed. He gives me a kiss and tells me that I need to sleep and holds me until I do.

We are awake again before the sun. My luggage is loaded into the car and we take that last drive. Why can’t I remember it? Out of all the things I can’t remember, why does that last drive have to be one of them? But its foggy again. My memory fails me. The last memory I have of him is when he is standing before me and my face, which is soaked with tears, is in his hands. His hands are big and he is holding me with a firm grip and he is speaking right at me ‘Don’t get on that plane and just forget about us Vanessa, okay? Are you hearing me? Listen to me! Don’t shut me out again, don’t do it. Because we can make this work okay? Okay?’ I am nodding, and then he kisses me and then I turn around and walk towards the door and go inside without looking back.

I wish I could write a different ending to this story. I wish I could tell you that when I flew home I didn’t shut him out, that I didn’t break my promise, but I can’t. Because that is not what happened at all.
We rang each other several times but the phone calls were few and the conversations short. I had come to believe that he mustn’t of believed in us anymore because he wouldn’t say it. He is so cagey with how he feels most of the time that I was beginning to doubt everything we had shared in Perth. I thought he must have weighed it all up and decided it really was too hard after all and perhaps it is better that we just let it go.

New Years Eve. I am at a party and I meet someone. We get along, and I like him and he wants to see more of me.
But what about James….
So I write to him. ‘James, I’ve met someone, and I don’t know what to do. I haven’t heard from you in so long and I don’t know how you feel about me. If you still believe we have a chance to make it work then you have to tell me now. Please, just tell me.’
And he writes back ‘Just do what you feel is right’

I am furious. Why cant he just TALK to me for once in his life and tell me how he feels! Why does he have to be so OKAY abut everything, why didn’t he just tell me to wait for him if thats what he wanted me to do!

I went on and on and then did some crying and then just…. let it go.
We didn’t speak after that. It was over.
4 months later I get an email from him. Its long and in it are all the things he had been wanting to tell me but hadn’t been able to. He said he was sorry, that he was crushed when I had told him I had met someone, but that he didn’t know what to say about it at the time. He apologised for taking too long to tell me these things and that Perth had meant more to him than I knew. He said he still had my picture beside my bed and thought of me every day. He hoped I was happy, and then it was the end.

This year will mark 11 years since we met. Those 5 days together in Perth unfolded nearly 2 years ago.

We have not kept in contact.

James is a kind, funny, intelligent and loyal person. The memories I have of him are only good. He never did me wrong, he was a good partner and a great friend. The time we shared together when we were kids, and then all those years later in Perth is precious to me. He is precious to me.
I have cried many times while I wrote out this story, even now…. and yet I don’t regret what happened, and I am not sad about it.

This is life. I have said in the past that I don’t believe one can say that they have truly lived unless they have had one great adventure, one great grief, been heartbroken, confronted a fear, gone on one big road trip and can talk about ‘the one that got away’.

He was one of my great adventures, He took my on that great big road trip when I was only 18. He is my one that got away.

Do I still think about him? Yes, nearly every day. Do I think we are meant to be together? No. No I don’t.
I believe that things happened just the way that they were supposed to happen and just because we didn’t end up together, it doesn’t mean something went wrong. You can’t play around with what ifs. ‘Should’ve, Could’ve, Would’ve’ will drive you insane if you entertain them. Sometimes you just have to let things go and be content to live with the unspoiled memory of something beautiful that happened in your life.

I sure do miss those drives though.


56 responses to Lost and found Pt 2


    There is always that one love that remains in your heart for what seems like forever. Holding a bit of heart space through time and enternity. That shadow love that every now and then makes an appearence in a dream…that one man we will always love no matter how the story ends……the love always continues………


    Letting go is so f*cking hard. I wish I was better at it. Maybe my heartbreaks wouldn’t be as bad. *shrug* Or maybe they would be the same. Who knows?


    What made you decide to leave James the second time around is beyond me! You may have your reasons which you prefer not to share.
    But what an extraordinary story that!


    I think James was lucky to know you– both times. Dream dreams and live life.


    That is a sad story but hopefully not the end. I am with someone I met in 1987, we ‘went out’ for a year, I broke their heart. Over 16 years or so met up and fell in love again several times, and then carried on with our own lives. We have been living together for over 10 years now… There may be change coming along the way, don’t whatever you do settle for 2nd best again. Maybe after these 1000 days you will realise there is no-one better for you… Unless as annedesa says you are not telling us something.


      No, there is nothing I am not telling you. I told the story in its entirety. I suppose I am just content to leave the story where it is, and that is deep in my memories and close to my heart. I don’t feel any sense of urgency to pursue something, or try to make something happen.
      I wish I could have told the story with all the finer details, as I had to leave so many of our adventures out for the sake of time. It was a lovely time in my life and I enjoyed writing about it, though it was a lot harder than I thought it would be.
      Like I said, it was such a nutshell version of such a great story. Perhaps one day I will have to opportunity to write it out again, without leaving anything out. 🙂


    Wow, that’s pretty much the most intense story I’ve ever read from someone I’ve subscribed to. Fair play to you taking an official break :s If it wasn’t for me being with someone before I found you I probably would have joined you on the single days pledge. It’s definitely things like this that just highlight the need to just be and breathe, right? To figure out and sort out and recover from everything, pull yourself together and keep on going, remembering different ways life can feel like…


    You are definitely on to something. Enjoyed the post. Beth


    “What would you do if you knew you only had one more night with the one person you can’t forget…..” I’m glad you got that chance. I know many of us didn’t. Thanks for your memories, such a beautiful love.


    Amazing as always Ness.. Ill never forget the time we spent together or how honored I was to be the lucky person to share this with you. I still enter every comp I can incase I ever win.. Just so I can repay the favor.. Xx 


    I see love now as a gem. It is a gem that is beautiful while it was there and I could hold and touch and feel and all that was reciprocal. When that love no longer was a presence in my life – I put it into a mental box, that could be brought out, loved and cherished and I would smile for a few minutes savouring the warmth of it all again.

    And then we move on, as we have to. Another love will be different. Not necesarily better, different and perhaps last a lifetime, whether that lifetime is measured in minutes, hours or indeed, years.

    I wish you that kind of love.

    Lovely read……….and I opened my box containing my gem……….. :0)


    I loved reading this. Thanks for sharing. The bitter sweetness of love…


    Its amazing how a heart bears so much and yet still beats!. Sometimes we cant see what we have until its gone. There are many loves, but one is true love and it will stand forever, even when time has allowed a “moving on” chapter. Graves hold many secrets of that. I love your story, and thanks for dropping by.


    It’s good to know that you’re better and that your writing can be of a rehabilitation of sort, considering the experiences, drama, and heartbreaks; full-recovery, is never possible, but moving forward is. Everything in its entirety, is bound by a scale that must be balanced. Life is not a journey, that must be traveled to find love; most have it all wrong, it is love that will find you. This is, the irony of life. Great story.


    Beautiful story. Thank you for sharing it.


    I almost could feel the sadness and disappointment, just if it was happening to me. I hope that you are fine now.


    I read this so very early this morning, the sun had yet to rise. It touched me in many ways and I wanted time to process both your story and my reactions before posting a comment.
    So I have now deleted 3 long comments! I will just list:
    *Do you have any idea how lucky you are to have known THAT kind of love?
    *Remember this when you are being courted and swooned, and do not settle for less.
    *For me, I believe with all of my heart and soul that there are higher powers that put us where we need to be and with whom we need. Yes there are stumbling blocks along the way, yes we make the wrong choices but each is a learning experience that helps us become stronger and run faster.
    *Never say never – you’ll be put in your place every time! (And I have facts to back that one up!!! )
    *After a bad breakup someone once said to me ” It’s gonna hurt like hell – but it won’t kill you ” sadly I think a part of us does die. But we learn, we grow, we try again and we love again.

    As always my dear friend; You are amazing.


      Ohhh! I am so glad you enjoyed this one Mountain Gypsy! I do know I am very blessed to have had the experience that I did, even though parts of it were painful. I will keep everything you said in mind as I continue to move forward, especially “Remember this when you are being courted and swooned, and do not settle for less….”
      Thank you, thank you, thank you for visiting me again!


    Wow… that’s an incredible story… beautiful and touching… loves like that are rare and few and far between… but they affect you for the rest of your life. Thank you so much for sharing.


    Beautiful and poignant.


    Once again another great post. I truly love reading what you have to say. Keep up the amazing work!


    This was such a touching story, I am so glad you decided to share!!!


    Vanessa, you write beautifully. After finding your blog through your like on one of my posts (thank you!), I have spent all evening reading every single one of your posts instead of studying for an assignment that is fast-approaching! Your words hold such curiosity that they inspire me to dream, while your 1000 Single Days challenge is both thought-provoking and inspirational.
    Go hard, girl. Peace and blessings 🙂


    why is it so many comment leavers curse or bless?
    …..I know this story, except I am the escaping fish, the precious, the often thought about and often think of Valerie….. her words, except it is another barrier that stops me leaping to her.
    Memories are a result of a random filing sytem, your brain does the best it can with a heap of paper hurled into the air and then sorted as quickly as possible next dream night. Randomly getting some of it in the filing cabinet or on the hard disk is a great thing, because if it was super high detailed and all in order you would be quite insane! – Being able to remember every item of food on that Japanase restaurant table – there would be no room for emotion or perhaps even rational thought.
    I reading this well written tragic memoire today because our blog coat sleeves brushed each other, perhaps never to interact again, as much your overall point of fate?
    love from London – Dave

    Deliberately Delicious August 29, 2012 at 11:09 AM

    I love the way you write this story, the way the edges blur as does memory. It’s amazing the hold that a person can have in our lives. Thanks for telling this story.


    What a great story to share and your writing style is so fluent, I felt like I was right there with you. We all have a “The one that got away” story and I thank you for sharing yours!


    This was beautiful. Thank you.


    Vanessa, you are such an inspiring person! I am grateful to have found your blog. Your writing makes me feel alive.


    This is phenomenal writing. It really kept my attention and honestly, you seem like a writer. Sorry that a lot of this story was sad/bittersweet, but I’m sure it helped to write about it. Looking forward to more of your posts 🙂


    And James, if you’re reading this, call her and marry her.

    You need to be with each other.


    Kept me glued. I also believe that life should be as random as possible. It is so much more fun that way !


    I thoroughly enjoyed this read!! Took my mind of that dreaded… Dare I say it… Mental health assignment 🙂


    i very much understand the part where you said, “Why cant he just TALK to me for once in his life and tell me how he feels! Why does he have to be so OKAY about everything, why didn’t he just tell me to wait for him if thats what he wanted me to do!”

    i am fortunate that my husband is not abusive. i saw my mother live in an abusive marriage with my father until i was a teenager, and i’m so sorry you went through that too. i’m so glad you got out so young.

    but i really relate to the sentiment you shared above about james just being OKAY about everything and not telling you what HE wanted. my husband is a lot like that. and while it’s wonderful to be with someone who so willingly shows support at whatever ideas i bring up or whatever i express interest in doing, after a while, it becomes empty feeling; passion-less. i sometimes wonder if he has an OPINION or would recognize a bad idea if i brought it up.

    i’m working through this. i know that part of my frustration with him seemingly not having opinions really comes back to me and my own insecurities. sometimes i look for approval from him or another trusted friend, when i really need my own approval and confidence more than anyone else’s.

    you are to be commended for “listening to your fiery skull!” you are the only one who can know if you should have pursued him or allowed him to be the one who got away. he was probably trying to not interfere with whatever might be best for you, but you were wise to recognize that that wasn’t what you needed from him; that you wanted him to step up and want you to want him. or so i gather, from what you wrote. maybe i am just projecting some of my own life onto this!

    i’m so glad you found my blog. i love what you’re doing with your life!


    You’re a wonderful writer. This story brought so much joy and sadness.
    I truly truly loved it.


    I must say I enjoyed reading these two parts a lot. Especially Part 1 was very captivating!


    This story is so bitter-sweet, but I think that is also what makes it so realistic. In life we don’t always get what we want, and we don’t always choose what seems to be the right thing for us…
    I feel this story has no end, so even as I cheer you on your 1000 day marathon, I will look forward to the beginning of part 3… I hope James has the sense to ‘wait’ till then!


    Wow, woman you have got one hell of a life! In some ways I envy you and the adventures and in some other ways I don’t. I admire your courage in facing facts, no mater how bad your heart wants something you know wouldn’t be healthy for you, you do the right thing and make the hard right choice. I wouldn’t really have believed that this could be a real story but long ago I came to realize that every story ever told is someone’s real life story, someone somewhere has lived that tale.I really admire you, though thousands of miles away, I hope to be afforded the chance to meet you in person. And yeah, you really should write a book, you are one of the best at using a pen, I’m late for something but I just couldn’t get my butt up until I was done with this tale. Its all your fault, lol. Anyways, I’m eagerly waiting for your next post. Could you email me on goddyis16@yahoo.com or gordween@gmail.com. Would love to hear from you. Better days ahead.


    What a fantastic story..
    Ness you sure have a way with words 🙂

    I’ve already seen earlier on a later post ( there it is again ) a reply you have written, and as you point out, your life is yours, but don’t just forget James please… once the 1000 days are over, look him up again, talk to him and maybe give him THAT chance.

    I’m sorry to hear about your marriage and the abuse you endured.
    I can never understand why men ( and sometimes women ) treat their partners with such disdain and lack of respect.. so little respect that they knock them about and mistreat them so badly.
    why bother getting married in the first place?
    Thanks for another great post
    love n hugs


    this broke my heart. what a beautiful story. i hope it all works out for you, whatever you decide. x


    Such an amazing writer you are. Glad to find your blog… Love & Light your way ❤


    Hmm… there are many forms of love it seems…but comfortable, lazy, easy love does not necessarily constitute a soul mate. Otherwise, both of you are screwing up and will never be quite right… Hey maybe I’m on to something!! hee hee


    I relish, lead to I found exactly what I was looking for.

    You have ended my 4 day lengthy hunt! God Bless you man. Have a great
    day. Bye


    I don’t know whether it’s just me or if everyone
    else encountering problems with your website. It looks like some of
    the written text onn your posts are running off
    the screen. Can someone else please comment and let me know if this iss happening to them as well?
    This could be a issue with my browser because I’ve
    had this haplen previously. Thanks


      Hi there, sounds like a problem with your browser. Try using a different browser and get back to me if that doesn’t work. I’ve had to other reports of this recently. Hope that helps
      🙂 vanessa

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