Its ok

July 15, 2016 — 31 Comments

holding-on-letting-go

Do you have someone you just can’t quit? They’re like your bad habit that you keep picking up after you’ve sworn you were done?

Are they across town right now getting into their car to come over after you both said that last night was the last night? Or are they sitting beside you now as you have ‘that conversation’ again when you both know that tomorrow night he’ll be across town getting into his car to come over…

Its ok.

Don’t let your friends talk you out of it. Don’t let your brain talk your heart out of it, he may not ultimately be the ‘one’ but he may very well be what you need right now.

Let’s wind it right back for a second and I want you to picture two people, lost in the woods who have never met or even seen another person before. Total bare bones, back to basics human being kind of stuff. Blank slated, vulnerable and almost savage.
Now take those two separate people and put them in a relationship with one another. Id give them an hour before they turn on one another because they never learned how to love.
They have never grown up and grown into and then away from another human being before, they have never let someone down with their words or known betrayal or deep love that falls apart. They have never held someone’s hand or slapped that same hand away when it tried to wipe the tears that were falling from their cheeks after yet another argument. They haven’t examined themselves through the eyes of someone who has come into their life for a short time, they haven’t learned patience because they haven’t ever endured a relationship with someone that wasn’t always the best for them but that they stuck with because they knew that behind those stormy eyes was a beautiful perspective on the world.

In other words, people who haven’t made a thousand stupid mistakes and lived countless beautiful moments with another human being DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO LOVE.

One day you will meet your person. Everyone has a person. But when you finally meet them do you really want to turn on them because no one ever taught you how to love?

Be a little kinder to yourself, stop building walls up and putting rules in place before you’re done with someone because every person you meet has something to teach you and every person you meet has a mistake waiting for you to make with them so you can learn to be more human. Every savage argument we have with a person is one less savage argument we have to make with OUR person. Every failed attempt at a relationship teaches us something that will ultimately make the relationship with our person work. If we made every mistake that there was to make with our person then we would lose them because all the hurting that you could ever inflict on someone would be inflicted upon them and it would cause brokenness.

Be ok with learning. Tell your friends to chill, tell yourself to chill….you might just not be done with him yet.
And that’s ok.
If its bound to be over, then you will know when its over. And when that time comes you will find your shoes at the door and a path lit up before you so you will have the means and sense of direction to guide you in your walk as you walk away, and as you pack your bags you will pack all those lessons that that person just helped you to learn and you will walk away from them until you trip over your true person who will be walking away from their own map of mistakes and hits and misses. Or maybe that guy who is sitting across town warming up the car so he can come see you IS your person. Maybe you just need a bit more time to work it out, I don’t know…thats your story, not mine. But please just wait a damn second before you toss every curve ball back before holding it in your hand. We are so quick to disregard the pieces of a puzzle because we don’t see how they make up a picture that is so much bigger.

But please be kind to yourself and be alright with the bloopers that the film of your life is capturing because every decent story has those subtle pencil marks left over from when you made mistakes before you rewrote a better ending.

If you just cant quit them yet then maybe its ok.

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31 responses to Its ok

  1. 

    This is beautifully written.
    One thing I can’t say I agree with is two people needing to make lots of mistakes with one person before learning how to love and then finding “their” person. I think love can be learned through siblings, friends, parents, etc. Romantic love can also be learned by example. People who don’t have much dating experience before entering marriage (or some form of commitment) with “the one” isn’t necessarily less intricate, beautifully complex, painfully and lovingly human.

    • 

      Oh I totally agree!!! The conversation I had with a friend that inspired this story actually began with how much we felt that siblings, friends, parents and extended family taught us love and how to love, so I completely agree with learning for yourself and also learning from example. My sister married a man who she didn’t truly learn to love until after they were married and they have a beautiful and layered love, an envious love actually. So I completely agree.

      Well said you!

  2. 

    Yes, it is ok…because it is for you. If it takes a ‘thousand days’, then it will take a thousand days…and each one will allow you to love yourself a little more…and be the beauty that you seek.
    Breeeeathe….and open the door for your visitor…one day he may no longer be knocking, and then you will know…it is time 🙂

    • 

      The thousand days finished in March 2015 for me Mark, but I am still (hopelessly) single and exploring all the layers and complexities of love….still from a distance… for now at least. A fun and bloody mind boggling topic no matter how many days you’ve had to ponder it!!!

      • 

        There will always be a ‘thousand days’. It is in letting them go that our expectations go with it. Forget ‘hopelessly’ and it will come up behind you when you least expect it. Enjoy today…and tomorrow, and the day after that. When you begin to do things just for you, treat yourself in a way you wish to be treated…then you will relax…and tell the universe that you are truly ok…and with great love, you will attract ‘truly ok’ right back to you 🙂

        • 

          Argh! Come here so I can hug you! You’re a stranger but you have all the right words! Thank you for writing them down for me. Thanks for the reminder buddy.

          • 

            My pleasure Vanessa. And hugs returned 🙂
            It is one of the hardest things to do…but in doing you, the rest will look after itself….promise 🙂
            Because of our fears, they ingrain a negativity or low sense of worth, so we cover them with anything we can, even kid ourselves in many ways about things. But in facing them we are bringing back that love of ourselves, breaking the chains that bind us, and freeing the heart from that enslavement. And an understanding like no other.
            Once you understand why you hold a fear, it loses its power, and can no longer hold you in its grasp.
            You are worth so much my friend, I wish I could show you, but then you wouldn’t appreciate the journey that you have gone through in this life, in removing those walls to find that love of self that is gently waiting in your heart.
            Believe in you, and it will come 🙂

  3. 

    Vanessa, As always you write from the heart. You possess great skill as a writer, but it is your heart that makes you so special. It seems that you have entered into a discussion of one of the great truths of living that God wants for us to understand. Relationships of all types are not going to be easy, idyllic, or even comfortable.
    Instead, people grow as we embrace the difficulty of knowing and of understanding others, we gain as we surrender ourselves to caring about others, we move forward in life when we stick with the conversation even when we know that the interaction is likely to be difficult or that the person, themselves, is difficult.
    Each time we stick with the dialogue (there are exceptions, I admit, but that for another time) despite personal discomfort or the challenge of it all, we gain in what we have to bring to that next relational dance that we encounter.
    Again, thanks for sharing your heart, blessings to you and to your family.

    • 

      It really puts into perspective the principle that: ‘Iron sharpens iron’ doesn’t it.
      Maybe we don’t have to make every mistake there is to make ourselves. Maybe we can write down or paint or dance or sing through our own misfortunes and as a result, have someone hear it or see it or read it and be able to learn from it before they have to stub their own toe on the same misfortune. I just read through your comment several times and took something valuable away from it each time. Thank you for taking the time to read my little tit bits and reply with such treasure.

      • 

        Thanks. You speak truth about why we share life with others and a part of why people like us choose to write about it all.

  4. 

    I love this! I needed to read this right now! Thank you so much for your beautiful, heartfelt words! From my heart to yours.

    • 

      Hey darlin, isn’t it neat how one experience can transpose almost perfectly onto someone else experience and help it make sense? I love that about human connectiveness and I love that writing gives us the platform to connect. Thank you for taking the time to read me, its sooooo good to know that other people out there can relate to what I am trying to understand myself. x

  5. 

    well said. a more subtle approach about loving and hurting.

  6. 

    Well to the point again and right from the heart. Thank you! It fits in with what someone said to me once – that you don’t have to be perfect (for your person), but only good enough. As long as you can see that every person on the way teaches you something about yourself, then not a single “failure” truly is a failure.

    I’ve had not a thousand, but more like ten thousand days of being single. I tried every means under the sun to find my person. Improving the relationship to myself was the key that made all the difference. Once I realized that, I stopped searching and just then, when I wasn’t looking, someone found me. He is already there in the wings. His heart has already started to decide for me, but his brain is in denial of that fact. It’ll take much more time. It’ll be ok when he is ready… 🙂

    • 

      Holy moly. Behind every word you just typed is SO much else going on. Thank you for sharing a tiny snippet of it. We aren’t alone after all you know…. We are all together in our alone-ness and its writing stories and commenting on those stories and sharing our piece that makes the distance between us all seem shorter. Thank you for sharing your piece with me and with us. Wherever you are RIGHT NOW, know that I am kind of beside you, facing in the same direction.

      • 

        Thank you Vanessa, this means a lot to me. Right now my person is teaching me patience in waiting and not neglecting the joys of my own my life over it.
        It feels good to be reminded that I’m not alone in this. May you be showered with blessings from above for the way you speak to our hearts. x

  7. 

    Famed screenwriter William Goldman once said about Hollywood: “Nobody knows anything.” I would say that’s especially true for life and relationships. I met my wife nearly 21 years ago when we were both in graduate school. Before this, I had only had one other serious relationship, and that lasted only 9 months. We dated for 6 months before I left for a Doctoral program 1,000 miles away. 3 months later, we were engaged and 10 months after that we were married. Some people would say this was foolhardy considering that the last 2/3 of the time we were together, we dated long-distance, that neither of us had a steady full-time job, nor any clue as to where we were going to settle. But nearly 20 years later, we’re still married, have terrific kids, and have great jobs. It hasn’t been easy, but it hasn’t been hard either. I wish I knew what the secret was to this experiment working out, but am also afraid that analyzing it too deeply will jinx it.

    I’ve often thought of what I would say to my own kids if they were in the same situation I was when I married their Mom. I can’t honestly say I would be 100% supportive if they did what I did. But in my case … it worked. And I guess my only advice is “You just never know.” You can spend your life doing only what’s “smart” or “right.” But at some point, you have to take a leap of faith. I’ve been risk-averse in every aspect of my life except my marriage. And weirdly enough, it was the most successful thing I ever did.

    Someone can give you “good” advice, but the only lessons that matter are the ones that you learn through experience. And sometimes a person is not ready to accept good advice until you’ve lived through certain experiences, as painful as some of those experiences can be sometimes.

    Vanessa, you have a good heart and excellent intentions. I am seriously rooting for you.

    • 

      Thank you SO much for this and I think it reinforces what I was saying in a way: There are no set rules that work for everybody and every situation. You’re so right when you say “you just never know” I love that so much and as someone who has a successful marriage to his name, I consider what you wrote important and valuable. Thank you for taking the time to share it, I hope others read this comment also.

      • 

        Thanks, Vanessa. And your blog was particularly inspiring because what you did is what I’ve should have done in my 20s. The key is to focus on the good things in your life (family, interests), love yourself.l, and be that awesome person you always wanted to be. Once you do that, everything else manages to fall into place eventually. I did this on a much smaller scale and won the lottery (in terms of happiness). I’d wish you good luck, but think you’re already on your way. 🙂

        • 

          Hello Strange Dave 😉
          I agree. Being alone for that time changed my life. I was actually just sitting here (still by myself) considering how monumental that choice to be alone was…. I have no regrets.
          During my time of being single I earned a university degree, I got to know my friends on a new level, I saw my children grow up wihout distraction, I was offered a contract in my dream job, I stopped connecting how I look with how much I’m worth, I discovered new music, I heard the sound of my own voice, I drew boundary lines where all people should…. I am absolutely happier now than I have ever been and I credit that to my solitude. I am not bitter, I am not reclusive, I am not lonely. I am simply by myself.

          And it’s glorious.

    • 

      P.S, I’m going to frame that Quote by William Goldman BTW. I think thats fantastic….
      “Nobody knows anything…..”
      Amazing

  8. 

    Good to see you again. Keep trying – stay involved – when you find yourself you’ll find the right person too.

    • 

      🙂 I try to keep my finger in the pot as much as I can, i guess its gotten harder now that I work so much and I’m about to start y Masters Degree but if I feel I have something to say, I always say it here, to you guys first.

  9. 

    and the like button said i have read this before…. i just cant believe how this hits me more now than the first time i read it. thank you for sharing and these are the words i truly needed right now. “it’s ok.” and i cant help but smile n cry n smile. im glad to have read this again.

    • 

      Hey! Oh I’m so glad you got something out of it! Its such a weird thing to consider not feeling terrible over it all isn’t it. I think its something we feel we SHOULD feel bad about, or feel guilty about, or just stop doing. But theres so much to learn from other people and sometimes those people are closer to us and have more of a fierce relationship with us than others. Much love to you. xo

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