Archives For Dreams

Its ok

July 15, 2016 — 31 Comments

holding-on-letting-go

Do you have someone you just can’t quit? They’re like your bad habit that you keep picking up after you’ve sworn you were done?

Are they across town right now getting into their car to come over after you both said that last night was the last night? Or are they sitting beside you now as you have ‘that conversation’ again when you both know that tomorrow night he’ll be across town getting into his car to come over…

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The lesson

March 29, 2016 — 30 Comments

Both my sons enjoy playing chess. Largely self taught, my young Rooks will challenge one another with the tool disguised as a game that has been used for generations to teach the strategies of war, the art of psychology and philosophy, the value of patience, forethought, mindfulness and principals that are true of life as much as they are true in Chess such as the fact it is just as important to win with grace as it is to lose with dignity, that strategy without patience is caustic, that we must remain flexible and that at the end of the day, the pawn and the king both return to the same box…

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Losing count…

November 3, 2013 — 29 Comments

Where are we? Do the days ever matter anymore?
Have I lost count? Yes.
When? I don’t remember. Probably around the time that I realized that it wasn’t about the days anymore, it wasn’t about counting down as if day 1000 was the goal. That day 1000 may never come just as tomorrow may never come as just as planning for the future keeps us facing the future, you cant place the future on a pedestal as being the point. Because it isn’t the point.

Now is the point. Just now.

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Half way baby

October 19, 2013 — 16 Comments

365

 

I cant believe the date passed me by and I didn’t know it! On October 19th it was day: 500
My mother said that it has been so long since I had written and people may think I have ‘fallen off the wagon’ so to speak so before I go home now and write to you all properly I want to celebrate this moment with you and just let you know that there has been no falling off any wagon. I have just done 500 single days as true as I had promised I would on day one.
I have so much to tell you, oh so much! If I have learned anything these past 500 days it would be this: Life can change in a moment.
My next post will go into all the details and I will begin writing that now. HALF WAY BABY!

Vanessa’s riddle

September 10, 2013 — 31 Comments

Little helmets arch toward
Keen to keep the moving forward
Bellies pressing, pressing more
Unto the restless splintered floor
A hundred, thousand, million strides
A million more, wont see us tired
Splinter, bruise and callous healed
Faithful, tiny battle shields

What am I?

Its been so long since I really wrote anything and for a while it was because I felt too far away from my own mind to do so, and then when I came back to my mind I found so many thoughts collected there, and just like standing before a scattered deck of cards, I didn’t know where to begin sorting through it all so I just stood there and stared at it all for weeks.
All those thoughts…

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The Labyrinth worm

August 15, 2013 — 13 Comments

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Oh my little Labyrinth worm
It looks there is no place to turn
Just walls and walls of never ending
An endless path of never bending
No miss, you must face the walls 
for in the walls are hidden doors…

-Vanessa Katsoolis (My nod to one of the greatest movies of all time, ‘Labirynth‘)

I decided I would walk back to my Hotel that day, even though I had spent all day and most of my money shopping and my shoulders were aching from the weight of the bags. Flagging down a tuk-tuk would made the trip quick and easy and with the unbearable heat rising up from the sidewalk and bouncing off the city walls and radiating down from above it is a wonder I chose to walk that day but at the time I decided that I would like to wander through the alley ways and stalls and nod my head in greeting to the people of Sukhumvit Road and thats all it was at the time. But it is only in retrospect that we see the significance of seemingly small decisions such as these. We don’t realise how our preferences, no matter how small, act as the fingers and the palms and the curves and the creases of hands to clay on a spinning potters wheel. Every single movement, no matter how slight changes the shape of the clay… just as every step favoured over the other, or every appointment made in favour of the previous day, or the day after can alter the shape of our life.

And so with choosing to drag those heavy bags upon my tired shoulders on weary legs through the streets of Bangkok that day I didn’t know that it would mean meeting him, and in meeting him, I didn’t know it would change something in me for the rest of my life.

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Me on our beautiful South Coast beach, Australia at sunset.

There is a scripture, which I think of sometimes. “He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.”

I consider what people suggest life is about. I consider too how even those with all the ingredients for happiness: A family, job security and a place to call home, can then be struck with depression or ill health and so I wonder how then can someone truly be at peace, and if they can, where would they find it?

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Things.

June 15, 2013 — 41 Comments

Things that can make me happy:
Orange juice
Watching someone try to whistle after getting a tooth filling
Knowing all the words to a song
Olive oil
The smell of the smoke after you blow out a match
The way my son doesn’t believe that I understand his jokes
The sing-song way the women talk in old movies
Spagetti
Fire
Films that change my life
Photographs of people doing something they always wanted to do
Live music
That cows have best friends

Things that can’t make me happy:
Things.

365

One year passes me by. And yes, I have remained true.
635 days to go….

Life can be cruel, but it is cruel and hard on everyone in different ways. If you grew up in a shitty environment with people who treated you with disdain and cruelty and down right neglect and abuse then this is horrible. Its understandable to be hurt and then battle with confusion and disfunction as a result through your childhood and teenage years but you know what? Come adulthood turn and face that thing head on.
There is nothing that no scumbag mum or dad or uncle or upbringing can do to truly defeat you unless at some point you give up, and if you give up because it was all too much, then maybe no one could even fault you for that, but if you use that scum bag of a father or scumbag of a mother or scumbag of an upbringing to then JUSTIFY treating another human being with neglect and abuse and generally being a scum bag yourself, then you have lost a leg to stand on.
Man up/woman up and learn about accountability.
The greatest men and women in our history have created that history with nothing more than the memories of tragedy/abuse/loss/stolen innocence and an understanding that at some point you have the choice to either stop the cycle, or to keep being a scumbag.
Dont be a scumbag.

The undoing

April 9, 2013 — 67 Comments

I am sitting here trying to see where it began.
If I go back far enough will I find it? If I walk back further along the path will I eventually find a small, worn sign hunched over in the bramble and thorns and thicket that was the path of the last 5 years of my life that reads ‘Danger! Turn back now”? And if I do find that warning will I realize I missed it? What would it all mean then?
Will it mean it could have been prevented?
Will it become my fault, or was this meant to happen to me?

The fingers that are tapping away on this computer are connected to a woman who is more aware than ever of the richness of life, who is thankful for small graces, who is thankful every day for the very life I nearly never had.
Knowing that, can I find purpose in that suffering? Was it all worth it?

This is the story of the undoing.
My undoing.
You already know this story. While you haven’t read it yet, as you do you will realize it is familiar to you because you have seen this story unfold before in either the life of your girlfriend, your daughter, your father, or the person who stares blankly back at yourself from the mirror.

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‘Coincidence’ as the Jewish say ‘is not a Kosher word’ and as I sit here stretched out on this chair, 1052 kilometers from the last place I knew as home, looking out onto a crystal blue bay so close I could maybe, just maybe disturb its mirror surface with a pebble if my right arm summoned the strength, I can appreciate that the Jewish rabbi who first uttered the words which became that well known saying was not necessarily being as tongue in cheek as the modern text claims but rather he must have known something which I am just now beginning to grasp: There are no mistakes in life, there is only purpose and our purpose unfolds before us disguising itself in ‘accidents’ or ‘coincidences’ or ‘disappointments’, getting troubling news or ‘missing out’ on an opportunity. I can see now that purpose has to hide within these so called upsets as if it didn’t hide and we learned our story too soon, we would surrender to our human nature and want to manipulate the outcome and so since we were children, planning our future from even those first sentiments of ‘when I grow up I want to be a fireman!’ or in my case “when I grow up, I want to be a mermaid!’ Purpose has been sitting back idly, grinning and nodding wisely, tapping its pipe out on the heel of its shoe knowing that despite all our plans and all our preparations our true purpose would prevail, treading on the toes of our plans if need be, yes even disguising itself in accidents or let-downs if need be.

Anything to prevail.
Anything to unfold without our meddling.

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Lord give me strength to write this in a way that the reader whose eyes are scanning over these words right at this moment will see the heart behind the fingers which writes them and may their own heart love the woman whose story I am about to tell…

This happened to me today. This story I am about to tell you unfolded in my own home not even 4 hours ago.
Here goes:

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Life is beautiful

November 28, 2012 — 112 Comments

Gold Coast, QLD – Ulladulla, NSW
2 young boys, 1 gal and one hell of an adventure.

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Watch her thrive

November 21, 2012 — 28 Comments


The Watch Her Thrive Project is an organisation that has been established to give a voice and aid to women in war torn countries. This year I will be working with the Watch Her Thrive Project by contributing to a collaborative book containing stories on hope, courage and strength, which will be published and sold to raise money for these women.

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I am going to blatantly and unashamedly ask you to do something for me for no other reason than it would make me happy and that’s the gosh honest truth of it.

Since starting this blog I have had a lot of support from family and friends but one person who has really offered exceptional support and advice and has been a priceless friend since this all started is my dear friend Mikey. Now he recently began his own venture, establishing Studio HD which is described in their own words as “a web series on how (not) to run a successful music studio.”
They create these hilarious and genius “song in a week’ music videos based on the suggestions of their fans. As they are just starting out they are looking for support and publicity and as they used several of my own suggestions in their very first video and have shown relentless support for my writing I would like to give back to them by asking my own readers to take a look at their Facebook page and if you like what you see ‘Like the page’

I have never used my blog as a platform to promote any business or organisation and this will be the only exception to my rule on this but Mikey helped me through a particularly difficult time a few days ago and I really feel like this is a way I could say thank you.
Starting studio HD was a big deal for the guys behind it and I am 110% for following your dreams and doing something creative with your life and taking risks.
Please do me a favor and like THIS PAGE.
In return I will publish a little story.
Love you all,

Ness

Oh so much has been happening in my single little world and I hadn’t realised it had been so long since we spoke until today….It has been two weeks and I miss you. I have been fitting the writing of countless assignments around full time clinical placement and I didn’t mean to get too busy… it just happened.

Despite my hectic schedule, I have been doing some secret squirrel things and have some news to share with you.
On wednesday 10th October, at 8:20am QLD time, I will be appearing live on Channel Seven’s ‘The Morning Show’ to discuss my 1000 day commitment to celibacy, to promote onethousandsingledays.com and to discuss the new love of my life: Writing.

The hosts of The Morning Show Larry and Kylie… I am a huge fan of them both.

As The Morning Show is a popular (Australian) program that airs Nation wide, I am extremely grateful for the publicity it will bring to this site and I am trusting that it will somehow open some doors to further my writing.

I have other secret things going on but will share those things with you as they unfold, but it is all so exciting and it all makes me so terribly happy. For all my readers outside Australia who would like to see the program, I will try to provide a link to the show so you can watch it online after it has aired.

I have 7 more long days and late nights to go until I wrap up my time on the wards and submit the last of these dastard assignments and then I am on holidays until March 2013. I will stock up on wine, new music and a comfortable garden chair and write my heart out for you all summer long. Oh my soul is so incredibly exhausted that just the thought of that bought tears to my cheeks…