Archives For Depression

Its been so long since I really wrote anything and for a while it was because I felt too far away from my own mind to do so, and then when I came back to my mind I found so many thoughts collected there, and just like standing before a scattered deck of cards, I didn’t know where to begin sorting through it all so I just stood there and stared at it all for weeks.
All those thoughts…

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April 23, 2013 — 161 Comments

“Your blog has gone kinda quiet of late” He said. “I know” I said.

So here I am, with nothing much to say but with a sense that I should say it anyway.

I write this now from a plain. You know whenever you embark on something they all say to you ‘oh you will see the mountains and you will see the plains’ So this must be the plain. I wish there was a way to write a shrug of the shoulders. You know? When someone asks you how you are or how you’re doing and you don’t speak, you just shrug your shoulders? This post is a shoulder shrug. Its a blah. Its plain.
I credit this to one thing. Depression. Continue Reading…

A call for your story

March 19, 2013 — 81 Comments

I am excited to share that earlier this year I began working on two novels. The details of the second book will stay secret squirrel until I find someone crazy enough to be willing to take a chance on me and publish it, but the first one is actually going to require a small village to write.
It is the story of a woman who meets a man that (unknown to her at the time) has a personality disorder. The personality disorder will, after time, manifest itself by way of the very sinister and misunderstood emotional abusiveness which millions of people worldwide are victim to in their own relationships, most of them completely unawares. The story will give the reader an insight into the tactics which are used by emotional abusers to weaken their partners and slowly unravel their sense of self worth and sanity. I am researching to develop the character of both the emotional abuser in this novel, and the victim.

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I can remember a conversation I had, that unbeknown to me at the time, would one day shape my entire attitude towards life and make some of the most painful and challenging and testing experiences that were yet to happen, bearable. And not just bearable, but valuable.
It was only 8 words in response to a question I posed to my mother, but I knew even at the time by the way the words struck me dumb that I had heard something that was significant and somehow, would shape me.

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Imagine that there is a war. Bombs fall and stray bullets tear apart the ground spitting clouds of dust up into the laces of the boots of soldiers who run, run, run away from buildings that fall, fall, fall to the ground. There is no safety anymore, just things falling apart. The scenery that once made up your life is collapsing around you and amongst the noise of the sound of lives coming undone you can hear a very clear and very sound voice in your head say ‘You have to get out of here’ Continue Reading…

Qualification: Pain

September 23, 2012 — 212 Comments

Her file is heavy, thick and pregnant with the details of over a decade of brokenness, pain, confusion and hopelessness.
I have been watching her for four days while she wanders though the hallways and the courtyard like a ghost without a plan. She breathes and moves and sees and knows to pause for the food cart and to step aside for a busy nurse, yet there is no one home. She is alive yet not alive. Not living, just existing.
In the hope I might be able to understand what would cause a woman so young to be so burdened, I pull her file and begin to read. I open up the transcript of her most recent admission interview. It makes no sense, her words are strung against words which were never meant to be partnered, it is nonsense and it is tragic. A woman admitted so mentally ill and tormented that the only verbal response she can give to any question is one that describes the fear of death and the certainty that the world is at an end. ‘Even if I tell you my name I will die
Diagnosis: Schizophrenia.

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